Ramblings of an artist.

More than ONE FUCKING YEAR after my divorce was final, my ex is still unable to step up and figure out how to become an adult. Yes, I'm sorry he's lost his mother in the last year, but what kind of crack upside the head is it going to take to get some fucking LIGHT into that thick skull of his? The place still smells like cat pee so bad that people can't stand being inside for more than a few minutes at a time. He's in bed when people go to see the house, and I don't know for sure but I suspect it's cluttered and messy still. His daddy's paying the mortgage (has to be; unemployment only goes so far and lasts so long), and he's probably sitting on his ass managing his WoW guild instead of looking for a job to take care of business.

I'm sitting in a tiny little duplex in Washington, with 20 hours of classtime a week, 20 hours PLUS of homework a week, and 20 hours a week for my security job, as well as whatever work I can get from my buddy Brad in an effort to be able to FEED MYSELF and it MORE than pisses me off that he can't suck it the fuck up and TAKE SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS LIFE! I'm sure if he's not real interested in living his life, someone else wouldn't mind having it. Must be nice and all, to have everything taken care of for you so you don't have to actually work for it, but the real world doesn't work that way. He's nearly 39 and hasn't figured this out yet. His parents haven't done him any favors by coddling him all this time, that's for sure. The real world is going to rip him apart and all I can think of on that score is the fact I'm glad he's not my problem any more...

Or won't be if the house ever sells.

At this rate, we're going to have to PAY SOMEONE TO TAKE IT!

I think I'm going to send him a letter, suggesting that he pay me for my half of its worth at this point so that all the value he's sucking out of it comes out of his pocket. It's either that, or I have my lawyer go to the judge and have as much of his 'half' taken away from him as I can - everything if possible - because of the tiny little line in our divorce settlement that says 'neither of us shall inhibit the sale of the house'. Making the place a disgusting, cat-pee-filled shithole, I suspect, qualifies as inhibiting the sale.

At least, he won't answer the phone for the realtor, I can't imagine why he'd answer it for me. I sent his dad an email some time ago about how he appears to be clinically depressed since he's not taking care of himself or the house, and that apparently hasn't done anything. I really feel bad for his dad, though, on many levels.

If anybody has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. Urgh, sometimes what one needs is a really good venting session.

The email my realtor sent:

Hi [Jaz] - I have good news and bad news:

Good News is that since we reduced the price of your home to $174,900 at the beginning of April, we have seen increased interest, and have been called for showings several times.

Bad News is the condition of the property. In fact, the two latest showings had the strongest feedback on - as you may have guessed already - the cat smell. It is really bad right now. People choke on it even when they first open the door. No one spends much time in the house looking at it, because they can't breathe!

[The Ex] has been increasingly hard to get a hold of (really I have no contact unless I go knock on his door). When I spoke with him a week ago, I told him I'm just gonna send people over (and they'll knock on the door, and if you don't answer, they'll announce themselves as they let themselves in). When the house was shown yesterday, [The Ex]was in bed, and didn't respond when the Realtor announced himself. No, I don't think he's dead, but he has made the property sale-proof.

I think we've reached the limits of what I can do for you with [The Ex] continuing to occupy the property. Even though I warn people that there is a cat odor, nothing can prepare them for the horrendous smell. It is quite offensive, and people are done looking before they've even started. If you can take action to correct this situation, now is the time. I can supply you with plenty of testimony about the cat smell, and how it directly coordinates with the inablility to get the property sold, if you need it. If we want to effect a sale in the property's present condition, we would need to lower the sale price considerably (by $20,000 to $30,000 would probably be enough to get us past the smell).

I know [The Ex] has been unemployed, and although we've been dealing with the issues at hand all along, it has definitely gotten worse in the last two months. He seems completely helpless to improve his situation. Help! - [Realtor]

It's been an age since I posted anything, but I thought with all the insanity going on, I should say *something* here. I've learned the meaning of financial problems these last months. Along with all the financial aid issues I had (which are mostly resolved), I had all sorts of other problems. Michael, boss #1, said he'd try to get me at least 15 hours a week worth of work after I left. Because the word "try" is in that sentence, and it's nowhere in writing, this means that during the month of december he had nothing for me but a small bit of edits (not to mention the practically nothing in November that caused me to buy a new printer)... that he gave me a week and a half before finals. Because I literally had 4 all-nighters ahead of me just to dream of finishing all the work I had to do for finals, I sent him a note saying I couldn't possibly finish it until finals were over.

He replied that he understood how important it was for me to do schoolwork, but he had to have it sent to the authors by the 20th of December. This irritated me since I had no idea how I was going to pay rent for January. He said that he'd be giving it to another employee in the office to finish so that it could be sent on time.

On the 24th of December, I got a call from said employee, who said she'd just been given it the very first time. On the 7th or so of January, she called me and said Michael had authorized me to come in for an hour to teach the office artists how to work with said book, it still having not seen any work done to it. Ironic.

Meanwhile, Mom paid my rent, I reworked my resume, and applied for every job I could think of, including call center work. Also, I haven't been paid in ages for work I've done for my other boss because the clients haven't paid him. His business is doing terribly with the economy at the moment, so I can't say as I blame him, but geesh...

Luckily, I got a job. In security of all things. So far it's boring, but I like it. I don't have to take any stress home, and I get to wear a snazzy uniform and look all imposing. Also, I get to practice karate here and there when nobody's watching.

In other happy news, the DMV sent me a notice that my license will be suspended if I don't insure the car I'm trying to sell that nobody's driving. I'm waiting for my insurance company to decide whether or not they want to save my ass by Friday at 5 pm. I'll likely have to hunt for other insurance instead... with money I don't have. I've been bleeding my parents dry, and trying to keep my head above water... it's so desperate I've got an appointment to seek assistance from the state next Tuesday so I can afford to buy milk. Perhaps some hamburger; I haven't had anything but chicken in... quite a while now. I was all excited last night to realize I've got a bunch of cans I can take for recycling and use the money for bus fare to get to school and work and stuff. Duuude.

Here's hoping being poor will help me get some extra money on my next student loan, but if the economy screws up even further, I might not even qualify for one. I'm trying like mad to keep my grades up, so we'll see how it goes.

My idiot ex can't manage to keep the house clean either, says my realtor... so it still smells like cat pee (since he's keeping the heat swelteringly up) and is full of stuff. I've sent him two emails offering to help him pare down on the stuff and move it somewhere else; perhaps his dad's house (so that the place looks less full)... but as per usual, he's not replying to things he doesn't want to step up and deal with. If he moves out, I'm screwed; I can't buy myself food, there's no way I'll be able to help pay the mortgage. He's been laid off from his job, so he's jobhunting too, and since he's too prissy to take any kind of job 'till something better comes along, he'll sponge off his family 'till something falls in his lap, while spending hours every day managing a WoW guild. Way to keep the eye on what's important there, bud.

In other news, in spite of the frustrating mess my life has been lately, Steve keeps my spirits up. He's wonderful. I went to visit him for New Year's, and as a Christmas present, he got me a hop on/hop off bus tour of Washington D.C... it was awesome. The next day we walked the length of the mall (which is a freakin' long way!) and explored the capitol some... Pretty awesome stuff. Was neat seeing all the people filling the mall for the inauguration.

Hopefully Obama makes things better, and even more so, hopefully people believe he will make things better enough that they start acting like the economy's fine again... which will in turn kickstart the economy. Then perhaps I won't have to worry quite so much what'll happen when the case of ramen in the closet runs out.

Whine.

It has been an age since I last posted. I've got several pages of a journal left to type out from my London trip, including seeing David Tennant in Love's Labours Lost... and many other adventures. I'll get to it now I've got some time.

My first term of art school is over.... now I get to sit around anxiously waiting for my grades to get posted. I'm home for Christmas and need to wrap some things and go to a Christmas party for work... and life is generally good. I survived 4 all-nighters, too. Good stuff. Made a friend or two... got to try out acting... spent lots of time learning and writing and arting... Also good stuff.

Have to jobhunt after the first of the year though; one of my employers flaked out on me like I expected. They were less than thrilled I couldn't drop my finals to finish a project for them. Again, saw the fact they'd ask in the first place coming.

I get to go see Steve in a week, which is awesome. I've never been to the east coast other than a midnight layover in JFK airport... and that doesn't count. I'm flying into Reagan, also, so I'll get to see a little bit of D.C., which is also a first.

My After Effects final project:

And my Flash final project: Here

Phew. Now to catch up on my sleep.

Yes yes, I'll get to the journal posting soon here; I'm only going to art school and busy as all get out.

And poor, did I mention poor? Yes. Very poor. In fact, since my financial advisor at school forgot to certify my loan on time (and it canceled), he's since forgotten that I exist and has managed to tell me twice now he'd certify my new one. I've had to borrow money from Mum for rent and bills... what a pain.

At least the admissions people are on top of it. They sounded really ticked at him, so that made me feel pretty good. Now hopefully I'll have some moolah tomorrow or so and can make my jeep payment without worrying that I'm going to have to sell off my possessions.

Speaking of, I was given a free all-in-one printer a year or so ago. Needless to say, you get what you pay for. It can't scan for crap, so I had to get a new printer/scanner. Luckily I found a really good deal on one, and it's awesome. I'm a happy camper. And now I'm scanning a book like a madwoman so I can do some layout work and hopefully get paid for it. Snazzy.

At least I'm making new friends. Must go watch the rest of Blackpool with Butterfly one of these weekends... perhaps before thanksgiving.

We got up this morning with the intention of going to the tower of London, and to check out and go to our new hotel. I was dead set on getting our last night refunded... (Since we'd paid for 5 and stayed 4)

We took the tube to the Bank station, and walked to the tower through the financial district. We didn't really feel out of place, though we should've. We were wearing bright red shirts and surrounded by people in business suits. One fellow, very smartly dressed and looking like he had been very handsome when younger, sat looking out the window of the cafe we had breakfast in, looking generally happy to be alive and to have a job. He was people watching, as we were, so when we left, I gave him a smile, unlike most of the people around us this morning. The cafe was located right next to a Starbucks but was so much more awesome than Starbucks could ever be.

We found the Tower of London after walking along the Thames for a bit. For no good reason, my debit card wasn't working for the admission fee... must check it out the next time I get online...

We got inside just as a tour was starting and got one of the most wonderful guides. More on THAT tomorrow though, I'm dropping off here...

Our guide was one of the beefeaters of the tower - a guard. To be a tower guard one has to serve 25 years in the military to even apply. He sounded very proud and happy. They get to live in the tower for 8% of their wages. Location, location, location...

There's only ever been one female beefeater, and she joined last year. I got a postcard with her on it, but never managed to get a picture of ours... though I did get a bit of a hug after almost tripping on the "haunted" step. (He encouraged the ladies to do so, so that he could catch them - the men were on their own...) He was hilarious - Stephen Dodd was his name - as was the other guide we'd gotten.

After 5.5 hours of him explaining the tower to us (he said... more like an hour), we were free to explore on our own. We saw some of the crown jewels - most of which were replacements of those destroyed - dated 1600's. The most amazing I thought, which I jokingly pointed out to mom saying, "That's one BIG punchbowl"... turned out to be, indeed, a BIG punchbowl! 4 feet or so in diameter, 3 feet high at least, it was an intricately shaped, solid gold bowl meant for wine or punch. Animals and people were covering the entire thing... alas, no photography allowed...

We went inside the white tower, which is the armory. Arms from many centuries and fighting styles were inside, though Mum and I were mostly just interested in the sharp things and armor. We saw Henry VIII's armor - he had a HUGE chest! Also, a giant and dwarf set of armor... wow. The horse armor was also very beautiful and intricate.

We went inside the Bloody Tower, so named by Shakespeare because of the two young princes kept there while their uncle made a bid for the throne. They quietly disappeared when he took it. Years later two skeletons were found in a wall, small, and identified to be the boys. No one knows how they died, though Shakespeare had a few things to say about it. Their bones are now in Westminster Abbey in Innocent's corner.

We sat and drew there for a bit, the previous page (i'll scan it soon) is of the bloody tower. It was amazing to wander someplace built nearly a thousand years ago... 1066 it was started.

We left at 2:30 with the intention of finding a pub for lunch, then moving to a new hotel. We scrapped lunch after some thought and just wanted to get our stuff out of there. That morning we had spent unable to shower in the freezing water, and squashing bugs on our sheets, leaving nasty spots behind... and feeling very crawly. I think I'll buy Megan a new copy of her book, since hers is now covered in gross stuff.

We set out with our already packed luggage and hopped on the tube. Mom was thrilled for helpful young English men who helped her with her gargantuan suitcase on the stairs...

We got a bit nervous when the tube ended on a train platform, a long way away from where we needed to get. Luckily we caught another tube train to Wembley Central... and had no idea where to go. The lady at the station suggested we catch a bus and that would get us there.

So I hit an internet cafe to get the info on the hotel printed out just in case and sent a couple of text messages to Steve and Dad. We hopped a VERY crowded bus, and Mom saw the hotel out the window. Many stops later, the bus cleared out and we hopped onto one going the other way, and got off at Wembley Stadium... which was supposed to be right across from the hotel... but wasn't. Very nervous at this point, it being after 5:00... We followed the force and walked. A fellow told us to continue on and we'd see it in 100 yards or so. 750 yards later, a lady stopped Mom and asked her if we were lost, and she said yes, we should continue on and we'd see it... and sure enough, there it was. They had trouble finding our reservation, giving me my 20th moment of dread since setting out... But they found it just find when they spelled it right. Walking into the lift was like discovering the promised land. Our eyes both welled up, even; I couldn't stop it. The room opened to a choir of angels, the bathroom to another. Many pictures were taken of this room...

We both showered; scrubbing away any trace of creepy-crawlies we may have had... and after my shower I discovered something. Mom has bug bites all over her neck. I assumed that I just wasn't as allergic to them as she. In actuality they just seemed to really like my butt. Yep. Each cheek has a bunch of spots that itch a bit. Sigh.

We had dinner downstairs; the prices are really reasonable! And slept very well.

Today we plan to get back to central London by a more direct route (thank goodness the hotel has posters telling us this), and see the British Museum... and hopefully the Eye, I'm thinking. Tonight is a London Walks pub crawl. I wonder if we'll see Ziggy or Tracy? Perhaps not, but should be a fun day in all.

This morning we set out with three missions... 1. To find breakfast, 2. To find a bank and exchange the last of our money, and 3. To find ANOTHER PLACE TO STAY! Mom has very itchy bug bites all over the back of her neck from the room's wildlife. This is horrible. We both got freezing showers this morning as well, the hot water has apparently been gone since my first shower here used it all up.

So we got outside, found a Starbucks, and had some iced tea and fruit while we watched some pigeons attack the last of a muffin paper and people rushing off to work. The buses - and drivers! - are amazing. I can't believe how they navigate the narrow and old streets. We haven't seen an accident yet, which is amazing considering how recklessly everyone appears to drive. Most of the areas we've been in have fee signs... driver's must pay 5 pounds a day for the privilege of driving around.

We had the brilliant idea after that to head to Covent Garden to see if we could find the Doc Martens store. I believe we wandered for a couple hours before finding an informational thing to ask for directions... d'oh. It was pointed out to me that I hate asking for directions. I think it's rather that I hate asking people who don't know the answer...

I bought a few snazzy postcards and a Wales patch for my bag. We found the Doc Martens store rather quickly after that.

Oops, er, in our wanderings before we discovered the info building, we stumbled on the National Gallery. We stopped in for lunch and to see some Van Gogh's, Cezanne's, Seurat's, DaVinci's, Michaelangelo's, and Raphael's... One more and we'd have all the ninja turtles. It was amazing to see so many paintings I'd only read about or seen pictures and slides of in the past - especially the Van Gogh's... just... wow. Also, and interesting discovery was made of a really amazing female artist. I bought a postcard of her self portrait because the lighting is SO wonderful. Also, I got a Monet postcard for Angela since she digs impressionist art as much as I do.

The Doc Marten's store had several pairs I very much wanted, but due to fundage availability I just got one pair. There was a tall, black pair with red roses embroidered into them; another pair with union jacks on the toes, and some snazzy soft black ones with straps and buckles all over them. The pair I bought are basic Mary Janes, with holes punched out in flower shapes. Cute. And I finally have a pair to wear with nicer clothes... heh. Mom found a pair of boots she likes, but they don't have them in her size, instead gave her a card with the # on it so she can call and see if they get them in tomorrow's shipment.

We found an internet cafe and messaged dad and Steve, and researched new hotel possibilities. We found one that is farther away but still accessible by tube as long as our Oyster cards hold out. We'll be sharing a bed, but will have hot showers and NO BUGS!!

Lunch today was a salmon, cream cheese, and cucumber sandwich. Really good but the texture was terrible. The Brits make really different sandwich combinations... Dinner was salami, milk, cheese, and apples in our lovely room.

We intend to go beachcombing on the Thames today, but neither of us felt like it, so instead we went on a quest for food, drugs, and an internet cafe. We got Oyster cards so we can travel a little easier all over (I wish Portland had something like them!) The city was ours today, we could go anywhere and do anything. So we went to Waterloo station because we recalled seeing some interesting food there, as well as it being very central to lots of things.

We found a store that was completely full of pre-packaged food. Mum and I got a sandwich, some yogurt, and flavored water each for less than 4 pounds, which is fairly cheap considering London can be described many ways, but "cheap" is not one of them.

We sat at the same benches we had breakfast at yesterday and did some people watching. London is full of *every* kind of person, with a distinct lack of obese people. No wonder, though... with all the walking you're required to do to get around. When you do see them, they tend to stand out a bit. There are many people, here and there as chubby as I though, so I don't feel all odd and out of place.

We found a pharmacy... Mom kept saying "boots", and I thought she just really felt the need for some Doc Martens... but apparently the pharmacy chain she remembered best is called Boot's. We got pepto tablets so that we could improve the state of our tummies. We've been spending quite a bit of time in the loo. We keep drinking water to get ourselves rehydrated.

We wandered outside and explored a bit, retracing our steps from last night. After crossing Westminster bridge again, we walked by Big Ben as it chimed noonn and wandered along the front of the houses of parliament and got some pictures of the soveriegn's gate there, and Westminster Abbey across the way. I'd really like to see the inside, but being Sunday it didn't occur to me to try doing so... so instead we walked through the church outbuildings some, when we heard the bells of the Abbey going crazy. There were lots of finely-dressed people leaving along with many military typed, and a detail of men in fatigues carried out a succession of flags. For F-18's flew over in tight formation and a crowd of sightseers hung around gawking, including us of course. We haven't figured out what was going on, but the bells were lovely; like nothing I've ever heard. Their music stayed in my head most of the day, though there was no real melody to it.

Shortly thereafter, lamenting the sad similarities between herself and gramma, Mum threw in the towel and we came back to the room to rest up a bit. Also so she could be a bit closer to the bathroom...

I took a walk around by myself for a bit and learned how humongous Hyde Park is... it's HUGE. I walked to a spot that felt like a completely different part of London and I found later that I didn't even get halfway to the Peter Pan statue I was hoping to find. I intended to go to Baker Street but took a wrong turn. Saw the Marble Arch up close and returned to take a bit of a nap.

Oh wait, before the exploration, I went to find an internet cafe and some bottled water, since we're still fighting dehydration. Chatted with Steve a bit and sent some text messages to him and Dad to let them know things were going well. Didn't find info on "Accommodation London"... but wasn't sure if I had the name right. Meh. Will have to see if we can get a hold of Tracey tomorrow so we can spend as few nights as possible with the bug hotels our mattresses are. At this point even a hostel would be preferable... if we can store our luggage somewhere that is.

We went to china town also, in search of a cheap restaurant the guidebooks mention, but had no luck. We did find a planet Hollywood though, and had a light dinner. My tummy must have been having sympathy pains for Mum's though, because it wasn't happy. Oddly though, that was my first experience with a bathroom that has an attendant to give you soap and towels... Interesting.

We are sharing our room with wildlife. The six legged sort I thought belonged to a quaint yet outdated goodnight wishing. EW! Squashed one in my book, will have to apologize to Megan as it's her book. Somewhat fitting through as it's a vampire book, heh.
We'd planned to go on a London Walk today, which is a guided tour of, well, wherever you want to go, reallly. We wanted to go to Stonehenge. A quick tube ride to Waterloo Station got us where we needed to be to validate our train tickets and meet up with the walk guide.
Waterloo is the first Big train station I've been in. It's very large and Very Full of People. Mum and I ate buttered bagels in an out of the way corner and then wandered to find our guide. Two women stood out, an older lady with an orange backpack, and a black girl about my age. Our guide was a fellow named Richard, with a wonderful voice and accent. He is also an actor when he's not leading people around. We hopped the train to Salisbury (and got to stare at a fellow with interesting green eyes) and it was wonderful. We walked around and inside the Salisbury Cathedral and learned all sorts of things about the area. Apparently a "cathedra" is a chair, in which only the Bishop can sit, and the building containing it is a "cathedral." A town with a cathedral in it is called a city. Huh. Took lots of pictures and had a small lunch in the greensward surrounding, which is in reality the graveyard. Some fellow went to clean up the place and thought it would look lovely without all those troublesome headstones all over, so they were removed, though the bodies still remain.
One of the bodies inside the cathedral is of a fellow who was a knight in the crusades. He was only supposed to be gone a year, but when it turned into two, many of the local gentlemen started attempting to court his wife for the money he'd left her. There was to be a huge banquent in her honor to try and woo her, but she was sure her husband was still alive. Sure enough, he showed up before the banquent in what is a wonderful case of good timing. The banquet was held anyway as a welcome home sort of thing instead... but the poor guy (Longspee) died a week after. It was thought he was poisoned, but never proved, and his widow then joined a nunnery and took her money with her. (Ew, bug... squish!)
Several years ago, the church flooded as this knight's tomb was very auspicious in being made of wood with a stone top, they opened it to make sure the water damage wouldn't make it unsound and they found the remains of a rat inside that still had fur. Curious at how a 400 year old rat could be preserved this long, it was cut open, dated and analyzed. Turns out it had a large case of arsenic poisoning. Apparently the knight was murdered after all. After the cathedral we went to Stonehenge. I didn't know the druids didn't build it, instead it was made by the Beaker people, so named by the shapes of the drinking vessels they were barried uns,
Must sleep, more in the morning.

Er - "Buried with" You can tell I was tired.
The "henge" part is actually the ditch and raised mound all around the stones. We managed to see it on the Autumn Equinox, the day the sun rises and sets directly in alignment with the top and "heel" stones. Postcard pictures were likely taken this morning and will be this evening. Also, they open it up on New Year's eve so people can get near the stones, but it takes days to clean up after the crowds - needles, trash, etc. Nasty.

On the way back, we noticed a "Doctor Who" shop in Salisbury on the way to the train station! Ha. On the train we ended up sitting across from the two women I mentioned, named Tracy and Ziggy. (Oh, also, we grabbed a smoked ham and cheddar baguette at a cafe, the first meal since breakfast we'd had other than apples since breakfast. Tracey is 38 and originally from Canada, but always wanted to live in London, so 2 years ago she came here and got a job. Ziggy is from Germany and has lived here for 30 years. She would have invited us to stay with her, but she lives out on the outskirts of London. How nice! It would've been awkward though, staying with a newly-met person... We all enjoyed each other's company so well that we decided to hit a pub for a while.
On the way there, we walked along the south bank, under the Eye, and saw the sun set behind Big Ben and the houses of parliament. Beautiful! We crossed Westminster Bridge and saw Westminster Abbey in the distance.
The pub was very nice, and very old. I tried a dark beer with "London" in the name... good stuff! Guinness is good too! I didn't think I'd like it, not liking beer in the states.
Tracy recommended, after hearing our hotel woes, a place she stayed in for 2 years that has fairly cheap rooms that we may be able to move to. Which would be a relief. We are supposed to call her today to get the information on them so we can both assure her we managed to get back okay, and hopefully call them to see about any openings somewhere.

This room would be livable if it weren't for mold in the bathroom and critters in the beds! Ew! I slept in the brown coverlet last night so I didn't have to see the odd bug crawling on the sheets! Must go shower now. Must must must!!

I went to London! It was awesome. I love the city... I could live there. Here's the journal I kept while I was gone.

London didn't look the way I expected it to, flying in... Small pockets of scattered lights instead of the massive city it is. We got in aroun d8 a.m. local time, meaning midnight for us after a day of traveling with four hours of sleep the previous night, and a full day of traveling and packing before that. Rough day. Somewhere in Detroit, Mum and I walked the airport at a clip, and we then walked London streets at a clip because our room wasn't ready for us. Beds on their sides, and mattresses propped against walls, dirty laundry in the corner and mold in the bathroom... ew. We had to climb five flights of stairs to get there also. Gah. We didn't get lost (amazingly!) and decided, at 10 (when we finally got to settle) to nap until noon, then go experience the wonders of mass transit to get to Shakespeare's Globe for "A Midsummer Night's Dream" (which we'd bought tickets for online). I overslept. We had 45 minutes to FIND a tube station, figure out how to use it, get off at the right spot and walk the right way. We found it! Barely... and a few minutes late. BUT they let us in! The play was hilarious, the setting wonderful... We walked across the river to St. Paul's Cathedral (the Millennium Bridge!) and took some pictures, and managed to wander a bit more before coming back to our 4th floor room. (Mom's suitcase weighs a TON! I had to rest carrying it up!) And the nice cabby charged us 50 pounds to get here, so it's a bit far from the airport. $100! Gah! After today, Portland will be cake to get around, and I think we'll be figuring out the train when we leave. $100 is insane. So is the traffic. Motorcyclists have a death wish, and so do bicyclists. Hopefully we'll figure out which way the traffic comes from without getting squashed. There's been sleeping since 5 or so - it's 9 now, and all I want to do is eat some of the fruit we bought (in an arabic market, which is the part of town we landed in) and get some more sleep. Tomorrow is Stonehenge!

Also, you know a trip will be interesting when you leave all of your toiletries on your parents' living room floor. Woo. Luckily Mum has extra. We have acquired toothpaste, all is well.

Well! I have moved. After a long drive, where Tink felt the need to point out every bump I hit, may have hit, or thought about hitting for the first half hour, things are beginning a cautious routine.

She's currently wandering through the apartment exploring to her little heart's content. I am so surprised how much more outgoing than she is than Ben for so many things...

Missing people. That's the first night I've spent by myself, in my own place, ever. Was a bit too quiet. And too noisy; in the way new apartments always are. I guess. Having never really been by myself as... well, mentioned, previously...

I've found a burgerville, without the aid of gps or google maps, thank you very much... that has free wi-fi. Lunch and internet time was definitely warranted. Lunch was extremely good, also... considering I'm so bummed I wasn't even hungry. I hope the life change will result in a smaller tummy.

Along with smaller tummy hopes, I've got a lot of katas to do. Have everything for my second degree blackbelt in karate... now to practice. Going to keep another kata journal for it, because I know how much i improved doing that before. Also need to work on the throws a bit so I can test for the Jujitsu belt... Wow lots to do.

Also need to get some paperwork to the school... narf. I'm late I think, but hopefully it'll work out all the same. I needed a copy of my rental agreement and couldn't get it 'till I got up here... so there we go. At least it's not *all* my fault.

Well. Here's hoping Steve will pop on soon so I can talk to him a bit before I need to go recharge the battery some. This afternoon I'll find some batteries so I can play with my Wii some. Like a bonehead I left behind batteries, the controllers for the xbox, and games for the snes. Narf. So I've lots hooked up to my tv, but not a lot that I can do with it. Oh well, have lots of unpacking to do anyway. Wonder if I'll need an extension cord for the lights I got..? Hrm. Need to start making lists so I'm not leaving all the time.

My landlord thought that I'd already gone to London, also... left me some paperwork to sign this morning along with 'welcome back...' Oh well. I'll go pay rent and get copies of paperwork today and should be able to get on with things.

I'm guessing all the funky frustrations and clouds of yesterday morning were a bit of a buildup. The ex-mother-in-law passed away yesterday. I got a longish email from the ex about it... and sent a reply that I hope helps. I wouldn't have wished this for him, but I saw it coming, no?

Hopefully he'll manage. Not sure how I feel about it, and somewhat grateful I have a figurative hand to hold about it all, but realize he doesn't... it's sad. This gives him a chance to get closer to his dad though, which he needed. Having his mom around kept that from happening really. Not through any real action on her part, but they were so close it was easy to ignore everyone else (waves hand as a casualty).

In other news, yet the same, Steve is awesome. *waves* Hi Steve! He should know he's awesome I hope, I say it every chance I get...

Today I install software on my new laptop, to get it ready for working far away, and move all of my crap into a truck, and drive it up to Portland. I'm going to sleep good tonight...

On finishing my last entry, I got a message from my realtor that there are going to be a lot of people seeing the house today, and could I please come clean up the garage? So I did. Mom helped. It was disgusting. In less than 2 minutes there, I had already shoved my thumb into something disgusting.

I'm having issues getting that smell out of my nose; thank goodness we keep febreeze in the office.

Truly. It's one of the most quotable stories ever. It can apply to any and all life situations. Including innuendo apparently, thank you brain, I really didn't need to go there.

In any case, the gross old woman appeared in my stressed out dream this morning wearing the guise of my ex mother-in-law.

Mom and I were on a trip, and parked in a parking lot by the ocean. Apparently a storm was moving in, because the waves wiped out the beach and the end of the lot in seconds. I kept going back to the car to grab important things, dodging waves that were trying to cover it, and just before that part of the parking lot collapsed I managed to push the car out of harm's way, to the lack of surprise from my parents. The ring wraiths that kept pestering us and the other people in similar situations were flying around and riding their little horses, and were somewhat irritated I'd managed to do this. Someone managed to get their truck too near something in the water and it ended up exploding and we drove away... later we're wandering around downtown, which looked different than it had before thanks to all the water damage; walkways had lowered in places that sinkholes had opened, and even now, lots of water was trying to make its way into storefronts. I got separated from my parents and walked past my ex in the crowd, who ignored me. His cousin did, his aunt did, and then his mother passed; she saw me, and had to tell the others loudly and obnoxiously and with many angry words that I was here. Oddly, I waded back through the crowd to find her and tell her (since I know in real life she's dying) not to live her last days with animosity; because the past doesn't matter any more. Spend it loving her family... she asked if I'd been good this last year, snottily (and implying i'd been sleeping with every male in my viscinity). I brushed it off and said something else I can't recall, because that didn't bother me... then she started in by telling me her husband wanted to pay me off for my half of the house and they'd just rework it and sell it. But that costs money, and there was no way they were giving me any of that... then said something really not nice that I can't recall... and I replied, patience now gone, that it's not like she'll need it where she's going. Ouch. I stomped off, and she just kept cussing at me loudly and angrily as I left.

So apparently I'm having moving stress, house hasn't sold yet stress, fearing dealing with my ex's family stress, money stress, and stress stress. Bleh. There were however, some good images in my dream that I'd like to pull out of my brain of a place I'd been to before in dreams... after it'd been washed away some... interesting. Must use that as a painting exercise...

I think, also, that since the ex's mom is dying, that she blames much of her health issues this last year on me. I'm not concerned, and I don't really feel guilty (though the fact I have that notion at all says something to the contrary), because she'd been having problems long before. If her doctors had figured it out earlier, things might be different, but probably not. She had been taking as good care of herself as her son had, so it shouldn't be a surprise. Wasn't to me anyway. She's made her choices. Shaking off the dream, those choices included blaming me, as well as not taking care of herself...

Can't live with 'em, can't work without 'em. (Well, my uncle does work without 'em, but he still has customers so I'd call it a trade-off.) One of my coworkers of late keeps handing me stuff to do on top of my work because she doesn't want to do it. Really, that's what she says. Or she'll spend time and energy getting information about a question, answer it quickly, then rattle off "Get Danie to help you!" when the answer is too quick to be understood. So then I have to make the person go through their explanation again, this time half confused and exasperated to have to do so... and answer things. Drives me crazy. One of the reasons, though, I'm counting the days.

As of today I have a week and a half, then I move. Eep! Scary stuff really... in the exciting 'eep I get to move' sort of way. As it is I'm having moving dreams.

Said coworker is talking about bringing in an espresso machine... Woe to the poor sap that allows her to have more access to caffeine.

She has a clue what she's doing, so I've no complaints there... she just needs to chill out for a while. She makes coffee nervous.

In the mean time, the uncle who was in the motorcycle accident has a lawyer. The man who obeys the most obscure traffic laws even at night when nobody else is on the road can't have sped around this stupid chick and cut her off. For one thing, he's not stupid enough to do something like that on a motorcycle... That's suicidal. As for the 'witness' who says he did cut her off; she had to have crossed a double yellow line to get into that turn lane early, so she still didn't have the right of way. It's crap. The guy owns his own shop, and has bills to pay, yet has to be off that foot for three months... if the insurance doesn't pay he's screwed. It just irks me to no end that this lady can't own up to a mistake and pay for it. Nobody likes being in trouble, nobody likes paying higher insurance premiums, but in making this mistake she needs to suck it up and deal with it... not lie her way out so someone else suffers. She has to know she screwed up, deep down at the very least. My guess is she was irritated at having to follow someone who stuck so closely to the speed limit that she thought she'd dive into that turn lane early and speed around him so she could get to the garage sale she said she was going to. I sure hope that 70's lamp she was going to talk the owners down to a nickel on was seriously worth a man's livelihood.

Argh.

In other news, the couple that (ow ow ow I just bit myself... darn wisdom teeth... ow ow ow)... saw the house in its disgusting state wanted to see it again. What the heck? I'm not complaining if it gets them to make an offer, but... honestly. I suspect though, that they were hoping the 'crappiness' of it was making them think they could offer far lower than it was worth.

I know it seems I've nothing but whining to do... sigh. I hate that. But I still have to go over to the house and clean up the garage. I still have to clean up after that jackass who can't take care of his own life. I refuse to allow him to hold up mine, this is stupid. Once the house sells, I'm free. I don't have to deal with him ever again, and nothing could make me happier. For more than two years, I didn't have a husband, I had a roommate that didn't contribute his half of the rent or the house cleaning... he literally didn't shower more than once a month, nor did he brush his teeth more often than that, yet he wanted sex from me? My being unhappy all the time, my trying to ask him to help, my trying to shame him into helping at the end, didn't give him a clue... I thought maybe not giving him any would make him feel as badly as I did.... but no. I must not have been giving him any because I was giving it somewhere else. Sure Jeff, whatever you need to tell yourself at night to justify kicking your wife out while she was out of state. Dumbass.

Thing is, I was spending a lot of time with a male friend of mine. Was I cheating? I guess it depends on your definition. He never asked at the end there. Just suspected and snuck around trying to find evidence of it. He assumed I'd lie. He waited 'till I was out of state and ended our marriage via voicemail. How lame is that? What kind of a man does that? I dunno, I was always under the impression an honorable human being dealt with their problems in person.

Part of what irritates me so much is they never asked. So I never answered. When I did talk to him, I answered the questions he did ask. Do you want the fridge? Yes. Do you want the bedroom set? Yes. Do you want the glider? No. Because his family was willing to believe the worst of me immediately, and act drastically, I knew exactly how they'd felt about me all along. There would never be any changing that. Even if Jeff hadn't done everything in his power to show me he didn't want me around any more except as his mother; even if I did still care after more than two years of this neglect he'd managed to cultivate, there was no way I'd be willing to step back into that, knowing that one perceived slip up would cause them all to turn on me.

All of that said... I think back over the last year. I'm calmer; not constantly stressed out. I don't dread going home any more. I don't worry so much about my kitties because I know they're being well taken care of. And right on cue I get a message from a guy who feels like the missing half of myself. He's done a lot for my mood these last months, but ultimately what makes me so happy to be me, is that I'm moving on with my life. I get to go to art school, which I know will be a lot of work and expense, but something I've always wanted to do. I'm getting out of here and away from Jeff... and all the people who might be taking his version of events at face value, and chucking rocks ('literal' as well as figurative? I have my suspicions...). And best of all, I've found someone who will support me instead of make excuses why they don't want to be a part of anything I want to do, from art school, to hanging out with a friend or two on a friday night.

Ultimately, if the prerequisites to get *here* were to go through all of *that*... I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Whoo. Went to camp last weekend! It was awesome, as much fun as the year before was not. It's been a full year since getting ditched by the ex, and I couldn't be happier. I'm stressed... but happy. Steve's awesome, also... he's been supportive of the stress, wonderful about the whining, and a bat-carrying thug about the ex. Well, verbally. In a wonderfully supportive way.

The ex, however has had a bad time of it. Two uncles lost this last year, and news that his mother only has less than a year to live. Did I call that one, or what? She'd been doing terrible on the dieting front and I can't help but think that the extra person she's packing around can't have helped in all of this... meh. Anyway.

I went and saw our house yesterday. In spite of the fact that he said he could get the house ready for the home show this weekend, and the fact he's been offered help these last months by me, and the fact that I've told him if he doesn't get his crap together I can have him thrown out of the house... he's done nothing to it. There were *literally* no less than 15 piles of cat crap in one of the bathtubs, growing mold in horrifying new ways. The garage is littered with trash (literally: think half moldy loaves of bread sagging in their bags and drooping off the step) and junk is piled haphazardly in random piles. The bedroom is cluttered, bed unmade always, *dirty* underwear flung in random places. The living room has fast food and cereal box containers on the floor, further evidence that all he does when he's home is sleep there and play WoW.

I'm so tired of it. I've given him chances. Dying mother or no (whose birthday he could never be bothered to remember, and who would let him get away with not helping out when she needed him, which was so infrequent he should be able to get off his ass *once* in a while), I'm going to contact my lawyer and get him kicked out. This is stupid. He needs a wakeup call, and I honestly wish I wasn't the one to give it to him. I didn't want to be his mother when we were together... I don't want to be that role for him at all, yet here I am. I told him I'm going over to clean... much as I don't want to. Not for him, and it's far too late for this home show, but next week is a dealer tour that we can get it on *if* it's not going to be the horrible embarrassment it is currently.

Some days I wish I could break his nose on my fist. But I know that's not something I'd ever do. I'd have to be physically provoked, and he would never do that. Argh.

This weekend I go to Portland to sign papers for my new apartment, today I go sign stuff to be my buddy's employee (hopefully that goes well... eep), today also is a going away party for me from work involving beer and pizza, and also there's a get-together with some of the people from karate. Next week I get to give Clayton a hand with Sai 2 (kata), do a night of D&D before I get to leaving, and hopefully in the somewhat near future, a relaxing Star Trek drinking game. The first two weeks in September I'll be moving; the last two I'll be going to London. Somewhere in there I have to call my financial aid guy and see if I really don't have to pay the $4,000 bill the school sent me, and if I do... I suppose art school will be waiting 'till the following term, or until my student loan gets approved the way it should have been. In there somewhere I want to make time to talk to Steve because of how calming and sweet he is. Lots on the plate.

And off to work I go.

Well! I got my apartment. 900 square feet, 2 bedrooms, utilities included, for $600. Shyeah. Now to go up, sign papers, and move my stuff in. Everything's falling together so fast now. Next on the list, sell car, go to karate camp, move rest of stuff, acquire a laptop for working from home with, a copy of Bioshock to play on it (I can't help it, eep), go to London, and start school! Woo!

This has been one busy year, with lots of emotional roller coaster-y bits.

Last night mom got me a copy of Guitar Hero On Tour... now I can carry it with me. How bizarre. I love guitar hero though, it's awesome. She also got a Wii fit. Smartass game told me I was very much overweight and redrew my Mii so that it looks like a beach ball on legs. How depressing. Granted it's true, but goshdarnit...

At least I don't look like a beach ball with legs in real life.

The ex's mom has something involving pulmonary hypertension, and the doctors can't do anything for her. He's not going to do well without his mom taking care of everything for him, but he'll pull through I'm sure. If he needs me, I'll help out with the house though, all he has to do is ask. Actually I'd likely help out anywhere if he needed it, but I'm cool like that. I can move on from everything I think. This year is proof. I met an amazing guy who doesn't have any signs of falling in love with a video game more than me. He's intelligent, funny, talented, and just amazin'... and makes me feel wonderful about myself. I could forgive a lot of other things in my life being this happy.

Okay, I've been scarce... but there's a reason. Trying to avoid not getting in trouble at work. I let my boss and coworkers at large know that I'm leaving for art school, and now have a total of 5 weeks left before my last day. Gah! Everything's to the scary point now that I'm apartment hunting.

It's proving rather difficult to find a place that will take 2 cats. Hopefully I'll be able to find either a dinky place of my own or *gasp* a roommate. Argh. I don't want to live in any kind of student dorms or anything; shoot, I'm 29 years old here... I own my own house... I don't want to live with a bunch of 18 year olds who can't figure out that some of us need sleep.

Ouch. Now I feel old.

Also, leaving Ben and Tink behind is not going to happen. They're my 'kids' for one, and my parents really shouldn't be expected to take them and store them with the forgotten kindergarten drawings and macaroni Christmas trees...

In the mean time, I find myself putting up with one of my coworkers. The new Brad is... not even close to as cool as the real thing. She keeps making changes to templates and things just because she thinks she can do it better... without ever asking if there was a reason something was done a certain way beforehand. We've had several thousand dollars in fixing to do to a couple of book covers so far because she's too quick about getting something sent off.

Last week, for instance, I got a book back from her. I'd set up the template for this book - the fourth in a series - and she'd redone the entire template to something that she thought was better. For one thing, it needs to stay series-consistent... for the other, she wiped out a lot of things I'd done intentionally for a specific reason... which she'd get back from an editor to change. So I spent several days reworking the thing back to its original incarnation. Narf. The really irritating part about it all is I hate to redo something I've ALREADY had to redo once.

Now I get to say "I told you so" regarding another change she just felt like making, which is also costing the bossman some more money. Perhaps I won't... I really hate I told you so's... but seriously, if I weren't leaving, I'd be so completely frustrated with her I'd be likely to rip her arms off and beat her to death with them.

So. Scared about leaving... scared about finding an apartment... little scared about London... apprehensive about camp after last year... apprehensive about getting my car and house sold... scared about getting all of the bills paid... the only thing I have no apprehension about, for the remainder of this year, is seeing Steve again at the end of it. Things are going good there... our ridiculous amount in common has turned into something pretty wonderful. It's very nice to have a guy who's supportive for a change, let me tell you.

London though... I'm getting excited. It's a shame it's so overshadowed with wondering where I'm going to live when I return..! Eep..!

When did this happen? What did I do that gave me such good karma that I discovered the impossible? Then again, maybe I don't want to know and I should just accept it.

Steve's awesome, and the most amazing guy I've ever met. I didn't even feel this good about my ex and I married the guy.

For now... art school and a long distance relationship. For later... a few visits. For much later... here's hopin'.

...I just didn't think the guy of my dreams existed. I was all set up to be the crazy cat lady in the wilds of Montana somewhere. Glad I dodged that bullet.

Things go well. Yep they do.

My desk is starting to gather quite a few of those little squatty action figures... the ones that are all chibified. All from Star Wars so far. My desk hasn't reached anywhere near John Lassiter proportions, but there's hope. Doubt it'll happen before September though. Oh well.

Yup. I'm going to be a happy camper for a while now.

Well, today's Steve's birthday. Drew him some birthday art and sent a message or two. Hopefully this'll be a nicer one that those past. Like me, his last several birthdays have been completely lame, and I'd say he deserves a break. Mine this year was much nicer than expected as well, despite being 29. I'm the one age that nobody believes you when you tell them how old you are... But having people around you who care about you makes a huge difference.

Alas, I can't be there for Steve today, but hopefully the good vibes will help.

And back to work I should go.